I’ve so been neglecting not only my public journal here, but my private one as well. So, here goes a long laundry list of things. I will apologize in advance if some of this is “too much information” in advance. I have a lot on my mind, and over the next couple of weeks I’m probably going to be posting quite a lot as I try to put some things into words that are hard.
The past few months have been good, for the most part. No, I should correct that: generally, things have been REAL good. My job is all kinds of awesome, and I’m getting along great with my immediate cow-orkers, my boss, and for the most part pretty much everybody thinks I’m pretty cool. I’m not making a ton of money, but enough to get by at the moment.. and maybe even enough to get this goofy retail store off the ground.
Life in Bend is pretty much what I expected. There’s some good things, and some bad things. I often feel lonely.. I don’t have a whole lot of friends here outside work, and my social circle is way smaller than I’m typically comfortable with. I am constantly reminded of why I loved living in the desert before. I’ve always come to the desert to heal, and that process has begun.
The healing has begun. I’ve been without adequate health insurance for quite a long time, but that’s only been part of my “issue.” Over the last six months especially I’ve spent a lot of time in introspection, a lot of time looking at my personality, for better or for worse. For those who haven’t heard, I have a much clearer diagnosis on my neurochemical issues, and while I’m choosing to not take medication at the moment I can at least see what’s going on often times before it happens. I can’t always change it, but I can at least warn people when my mood swings down that I’m “cranky”, and perhaps do things to minimize the down times.
I still struggle with feeling alone. Part of this is I have a real hard time of letting go. I still, after all these years, haven’t “let go” of people I haven’t seen since my teenage years. Even thinking of Melody, as distant of a voice as that is, causes me a moment of melancholy heartache. It’s not getting better as I’m aging. Part of me yearns to reach out to everybody I have known, to reconnect to my past.
I used to say I was a man of few regrets. That is rapidly becoming an outright lie. Part of this introspective period has laid bare that I have quite a few, actually. I regret wasting so many years of my life in fear of a relationship. I regret not managing my money from my parents’ estate better. I regret not focusing on being healthy sooner: this regret really hurts now, because I’ve lost so much in the past five years because of this lack of focus.
But mostly, I regret not being the best I could be for those who have spent these past ten or so years as part of my life. Andee, Chi, Norma: you have all suffered because I have been weak, and because I wasn’t the “best Feedle” I could possibly be. And I’m sorry.
Andee: you stood by me when I was struggling with what sounded initially like a death sentence. As time went on and we discovered that medical science often overreacts when certain diseases seem likely, you were there for me. Even as we decided that our own individual health was more important than our relationship, you were strong. I only now realize the sacrifices you made to help me. Thank you, and I love you still, and forgive me.
Chi: I only wish I can express to you the sorrow I feel for the way our relationship ended. We were both in pain, and I realize many of the ways I hurt you. I don’t expect your forgiveness, I don’t expect anything more than for you to be happy in your new life with the lover you deserve. I owe you a debt I can never repay, between your care of my own flesh and blood when I could not be emotionally strong to enduring my own suffering through the darkest nights of my life. Thank you, and I love you still, and someday, at least try to forgive me.
Norma: the past two years have been especially difficult for me, but you never gave up hope. Even when I couldn’t see the opportunities that were in front of me, you encouraged me to reach for them anyway. You are an amazing woman, so vibrant and beautiful, and one of the smartest and most creative people I know. You’ve supported me through this long winter: now that Spring is here I want to take your hand and dance with you and celebrate. I hope I can learn to be worthy of your love by taking the lessons of this Winter to heart as we move forward. Thank you, I love you, and forgive me when I falter.
Too everyone else, all and sundry: you have all been important in my life. I may not mention you by name here, but that’s not the point.. the point is, I love all of you. I might not always show you my best side: after all, the Queen of Swords is quick to temper, sometimes judgmental.. but lately, she has been “too busy” for her family. And that’s wrong, and I know it. All of you have played some part, small or large, in keeping me alive through this past Winter, and I have in some cases emotionally neglected some of you. I’ve outright pushed a few of you away in a fit of anger. I now realize this “anger” was not always appropriate, and it was rarely deserved. Thank you for what you have done, I love you still, and forgive me. My door is open to all of you, if you wish to knock and enter.
Yes, I’m “okay.” *chuckle* This is not a suicide note, by any means. This is change, however. When I changed my name, I wanted to be a better person. More aware, more refined, more confident. I wanted to acknowledge this force inside of me that has burned, often in hiding, and yearned to be expressed. I am stronger now, I’m more whole now, and I’m once again alive. I want to heal all wounds, make everything I’ve “broken” right again. I can’t fix everything overnight, but I stand before you with my hands open and my spirit ready to work to regain broken trust as I attempt to finally heal my broken mind, soul, and body over these next few months.
In short, I want to be the “angel” I envision inside to every one I know and meet. A force of healing, of love, and of light to all, to the best of my abilities as a mere mortal man in a very messy world.
To that end, I say with gratitude to all: Thank you. I love you. And forgive me.